Tee-Hee! Evil!

w00tstock was awesome last night! I’m so glad we went. Really, Jon can do a much better job describing the show than I can, so I’m just going to write about Chimpy and Chimpy’s trip to w00stock.

We didn’t want to go through the effort last night of being teapartiers once again so we just threw on some half-assed zombie makeup, always an easy last-second, minimal effort costume.

We walked to Porter to take the T to the Wilbur theatre in our zombie attire. On the way, in a small patch of weeds by an auto body shop, I spotted a small, seemingly dead furry animal lying supine amongst a bit of trash. Upon closer examination, it was a very realistic-looking plush baby chimp. I poked it a few times because it looked creepy and suspicious and I had some paranoid fear that it was going to leap up and make pie out of my face and fingers. In a few moments I determined that it was not a threat and I said to Jon “Can we keep him?”

Jon consented and I picked him up. We didn’t have enough time to bring Chimpy back home so we had to bring him with us. Luckily it was Halloween and so we wouldn’t appear too odd entering the Wilbur theater with an incredibly creepy stuffed chimp. This is Chimpy:

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Chimpy was heavy and felt like he had mechanical parts inside, so I wondered if he moved or talked or anything. Once on the train we had a chance to figure out where his ON switch was- you had to enter per anus and travel cranially in the subcutaneous space along the dorsum. That added to the creepiness.

Once he was turned on, we thought he was motion-activated until jumping and waving around produced no response. Then we tried stomping around and making noise, which still didn’t seem to produce any response. Suddenly, without apparent provocation, Chimpy giggled and waved his arms around. The train came and we couldn’t play with him anymore, so I turned him off and we concluded that Chimpy was possessed and moved around whenever he felt like it.

Then it was w00tstock! I loved it, even though I guess all the nerds were pissing and moaning about the absence of Wil Wheaton. They needed to quit their whining. During intermission I tried to pose for some zombie shots with my new friend Chimpy:

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Then after the show it was meet and greet, and I kind of wanted to do so, but kind of loathed to do so because I always feel weird approaching famous people. I never have anything to say to them. Out of everybody though, Grant Imahara was the friendliest and made me so happy because he talked to me as if he were actually interested in meeting me. I had nothing for him to sign except a Transnetix marker that I use at work. He seemed to be amused at his using a Sharpie to autograph a Sharpie. Definitely my favorite.

When we got to Adam Savage he looked very, very, very tired. He makes exactly the same tired face as I do when I’m at that state where all I want to do is go to bed. He had mentioned earlier that he had been up all night the night before from the Rally to Restore Sanity, so I’m not surprised if he really had been dead tired. He still signed something for me, though, the only thing I had left- Chimpy’s ear.

He also agreed to pose with Chimpy with Zombie Jon and Paul and Storm doing their best to photobomb. That was nice of him:

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Today we decided to experiment more on Chimpy and see what triggers Chimpy’s motions. Also, we decided it would be fun to mess with the dog. To mess with the dog, I would talk to Chimpy and cradle him and love him and talk to him in the special Dog-Voice, while ignoring Buddy. Buddy used to hate this game when I played it with Gordie. Anytime I picked up Gordie he would wander over and beg me to pay attention to The Dog.

And so I discovered that Chimpy responds to attention. If you cradle Chimpy like a baby, he coos and sighs contentedly. He sounds upset when you pull on his ears or shake him too hard, he makes sucking sounds if you put your fingers in his mouth and giggles like a possessed Satanic baby if you tickle his feet.

Best of all? If you rock him back and forth, he blinks with soft, rubbery, luridly lifelike eyelids. I yelped and almost dropped him the first time he did it, and yelled to Jon that oh God, his eyes just moved! This is the creepiest toy I’ve ever seen and I’m certain there’s a damn good reason I found him abandoned and chucked on the ground in a pile of weeds. I love him already.